


Fight or Flight

by Artem1s81



Category: Ashes to Ashes (UK TV), Life on Mars (UK)
Genre: Advice, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:09:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25195189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artem1s81/pseuds/Artem1s81
Summary: Basically just ray having identity/ sexuality crises
Relationships: Ray Carling/Other(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I think this will be my first time posting on this site and I’m not exactly familiar with how everything works so I’m sorry if it’s formatted wrong or something 
> 
> Thanks :)

”Hey, Marcus is at the bar, Neary’s on his own. What do we....uhh...” 

They were all staring at him; Alex, the Guv and Chris. Chris was smiling at him. Ray knew something was up and that it was bound to be bad news for him.

”What?”

The Guv looked Ray up and down ( and so did Alex but that was hardly unusual). 

”What?” Ray asked again, slightly more impatient and worried than before.

”Well Raymondo, looks like we need you to do a bit of umm....undercover work let’s say.” 

Chris was still smiling but now he was directing his smile at the floor. Ray knew exactly what the Guv meant by ‘undercover.’

”No way.”

Alex knew she had to persuade him somehow. “It’s a great opportunity.”

“Who bloody for?”  
The Guv chimed in again. “This is a dangerous situation, we need a man that knows how to handle himself in a tight spot.”

Chris, in his usual immature way, was unable to stop himself from sniggering.

Deciding to ignore Chris, the Guv continued. “Neary is a hard bastard, he’s a killer. I need somebody there that I can trust, somebody who understands the risks of an undercover operation. Somebody who’s reliable but quick-thinking. Nothing drastic just pick up what you can.” 

A quiet laugh came from Chris’ direction once again. 

Ray knew he had to put up a fight, to try and get out of it. “But what do I say, what do I do? I mean, poofters and that! What do they do? I don’t know.”

Alex was about to give a graphic description and Ray really didn’t want to hear it.

“No. How do they act and that? How are they?”

“Just be yourself.”

That was perhaps the worst thing Alex could have said. What the bloody hell did she mean by ‘just be yourself’? Did she think he acted like a poof? Trying not to show that he was offended, Ray asked “how d’you mean?”

“Just be yourself he’ll love it. I promise you.” 

Ray wasn’t sure he liked the sound of that. Or maybe he did? Maybe that was the problem? 

“Just watch your back.” The Guv advised him. 

Chris was really finding it difficult not to laugh and sniggered much more noticeably this time.

Alex gave him one of her side looks but she doubted he’d noticed. Turning back to Ray she said “look, just push it.” 

“Push what?”

“Flirt with him.” 

Ray did not want to do that, especially not in front of his colleagues or his best mate. “Look, all the Guv said I had to do was go and-“ 

Alex didn’t let him finish. “I understand that it’s difficult, okay. And only somebody who is completely secure in their own sexuality could do this.“ Alex had found Ray’s weak spot, he didn’t want people thinking he was anything but completely secure in his sexuality. “Just treat him like you would a bird. Treat him like how you would treat a woman. Ok?” She sent Ray in Neary’s direction. 

As he walked toward Neary a million thoughts crossed his mind, the loudest one of them all being ‘what if they work it out?’ He pushed this thought away immediately, he was being stupid. There was nothing to work out. Of course there wasn’t. Was there?

Ray sat down next to Neary and put his hand on Neary’s thigh. It was strange. It was wrong. He could not believe that he had agreed to do this. He knew the Guv and Chris were probably both staring at him. He’d best get on with the task at hand, the sooner this was over the better. Neary wouldn’t give anything up though. He just gave Ray a look. A look that was difficult to understand. A look that was unsettling for no particular reason. ‘Stop it Ray this is bloody ridiculous.’ He thought to himself. ‘Neary is a murdering bastard poof and it would do you good to remember that.’   
Neary lent over and whispered in Ray’s ear. He whispered things that made Ray feel an odd sort of feeling, one that he didn’t want to think about. But it was a tricky thing not to think about. Ray then, once again, became extremely aware that people were watching, that people could see him. He needed to do something. He needed to prove, not just to the others but maybe even to himself, that he was a man. He felt an overwhelming sense of panic take over and an impulse to do the most ‘manly’ thing he could think of. He swung for Neary and before he’d realised the trouble he’d caused he ran back to the others. He ran out of there like his life depended on it (in a strange way he felt it did).

Alex was giving him that look. The one she has when she’s analysing you, trying to see what was going on inside your head. He was sure Alex Drake would end up being his downfall.


	2. Transparency

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex has given Ray a letter and he isn’t happy with what it says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this ended up being a bit longer than I intended.

Alex was sure she’d be leaving soon and so she’d decided to write everyone a letter. On second thoughts this probably wasn’t a good idea. Despite the fact that she had told them all not to open their letters until she was gone they all did anyway (well, all except Gene Hunt). She couldn’t really blame them. After all, curiosity is just human nature. As she was collecting the letters back most people said thank you. Ray, however, just said that what she’d written about him being ‘repressed’ was ‘bollocks’. 

Later in the night when things started to wind down, Alex noticed that Ray was sitting alone. This was her opportunity. She finished her glass of wine and sat down next to him. 

Ever since he made the comment about the letter, Ray had been worried that Alex would come and speak to him about it. Now it looked like he was right. He tried to get away. “I was just about to go to the bar, d’you want me to get you anything?”

But he was unsuccessful. Alex was not the kind of woman to let people get away from difficult conversations too easily. “No I’m fine Ray. How about you sit down? I wanted to talk to you about something.”

He may as well just face it. Plus, if he tried to hard to get away it might look suspicious. “Oh, right. What was it that you wanted to say then ma’am?”

“You don’t have to call me ma’am outside of the office Ray.”

“Right, yeah. Sorry ma’am.” He was starting to look nervous now. He tried to force himself back into his usual, macho demeanour. 

“You look anxious Ray. Why’s that?”

Oh no. She was starting to do her psychiatric stuff again. “What was it you wanted to talk about?”

He’d avoided the question. Alex made a mental note of it. “I wanted to talk about my letter. You know, the one you weren’t supposed to read until after I was gone?”

“That’s hardly fair. Chris and Shaz read theirs too and you’re not-“

“No it’s not about that. I don’t care that you read it. Thinking about it now I really shouldn’t have expected any different. No, I wanted to talk about what I wrote about you. I understand that you were offended and I get why, really I do.” Ray opened his mouth to speak but Alex didn’t let him. It wasn’t easy to speak eloquently after your third glass of red. She just needed to get through this one point and then he could talk as much as he wanted. “Now we both know that I wouldn’t have said that without good reason. I know you won’t want to talk about it but I think it would be good for you if you did.”

Playing dumb wasn’t the best idea but it was his only option. “Talk about what?

“Oh I don’t know... Maybe the fact that whenever anything even remotely gay comes up you feel the need to make a point about how wrong it is. You try far too hard to be this ‘macho man’. 

“You’re not seriously gonna start on all that repressed shite again are you?” 

“Ray, look at me. We both know there’s something in it.”

“I am not a poof.”

“I never said you were. All I said was that I think there is a side to you that you do not let yourself acknowledge.” 

“The bloody hell is that supposed to mean?” Ray was obviously getting angry now. He had to put an end to this.

“I’m not trying to start a fight Ray, you don’t need to be angry with me. And to be perfectly honest with you, the fact that you’re so angry gives me the impression that I’m right.”

“Right about what, Drake? Spit it out.”

“I can see that you’re unhappy...”

“So you’re a bloody clairvoyant now then.”

“You can trust me Ray. You can always talk to me.” 

Ray now felt he had a choice to make. He could shut this down, walk away. Or he could take this opportunity, he could talk to Alex. If she shut it down there was no risk of anyone ever finding out. But a small voice in his head reminded him that regardless of what he said, Alex could see right through him. So he agreed. He downed his pint and told her to follow him outside. If he did what she wanted, talked to her, he might be able to convince her she was wrong. At least that’s why he told himself he was going. In reality he did want someone to talk to and he knew Alex was safe. She wouldn’t say anything.

Ray felt more comfortable outside. He didn’t want anyone to walk over and hear what he and Alex were talking about. 

He wasn’t sure he’d made the right decision though. It was too late to change his mind now. He was already out here and a small part of him knew that at some point he’d have to have this conversation with someone. 

There was no use putting it off any longer so Ray checked that there was nobody else around and started to talk. “I don’t know what you think you know Alex, but you sure as shit don’t know me. Nobody does. Sometimes... sometimes I don’t even think I know me.” He knew he was already saying too much but as soon as he started he found it difficult to stop. “I’m supposed to be a bloody man. I’m supposed to want to be going after all the birds, and for the most part I do but...”

Alex was really trying not to sound to formal. She had to make it clear she was a friend. “But you don’t just want to go after the birds, do you?”

“I suppose you might put it like that, yeah.” 

“And the thought of that scares you, doesn’t it.”

Ray didn’t give an answer. 

“It’s understandable. You grew up in a society that tells you how you should think and act and that if you don’t conform to that then there’s something wrong with you. But there’s nothing wrong with you.”

Ray opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. He had no clue what to say. He wanted to just let her keep talking, to explain it all to him. But she was waiting for an answer. “What do you expect me to say to that Alex?”

“I don’t expect you to say anything to me. You don’t owe me any kind of explanation. All I’m doing is trying to tell you that I’m here and I understand, really, I do.”

She turned to walk back inside but Ray stopped her. “Okay then. But whatever I say never gets mentioned again, understand?” 

“Of course.”

Ray was really starting to regret this now. He should have just let her go back inside. “I don’t know where to start. I’ve never said it out loud. I suppose I always knew I’d have to eventually. I just never thought I’d be saying it to you.”

“How about we start with what ‘it’ is?”

“Yeah. The thing is I don’t know what it is. I do like women. I know I’m not gay. It’s just...”

“Have you ever heard the word bisexual?”

“Yeah a couple of times. But it’s not real, is it? You’re either straight or you’re not.”

“Of course it’s real Ray. It’s a genuine sexuality and while it’s not my place to put any sort of label on you I think you might want to consider that you could be bisexual.”

“That would make sense, I suppose. I don’t know I’m not convinced.”

“You don’t have to be.”

“You know what? I think it’s best if both of us just go back inside now.”

“You can’t run away from it forever though. One day you’ll have to face up to it and I don’t think it would be a good idea to do that completely on your own. Look, it’s your life Ray. Your choice.”

“Exactly. My choice.” He walked back into the bar and left Alex standing outside.


	3. Surveillance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not sure if I’ll do any more chapters of this. If people like it then I will but otherwise I don’t think I’ll write any more of this. I have something else I’m working on that I want to be devoting more of my time to.

It was almost 2am and Alex and Ray we’re sitting in her car. The team were collecting information about a man suspected of distributing drugs. It was getting late though, all the lights were off now and there was nothing coming through on the radio. Alex and Ray didn’t usually work together but things were starting to get complicated between Alex and the Guv, she didn't want to be stuck in a car with him all night. Plus Ray didn’t exactly fancy being stuck in a car with Chris and Shaz so he and Alex had ended up together. Neither had mentioned their conversation since it happened two weeks ago but it was obvious neither of them had forgotten. 

Alex thought she should probably say something. “Do you fancy a snickers?”

“What’s that?”

“Oh, no sorry I meant a marathon.”

“No thanks.”

A few minutes passed. Nobody said anything. Ray wanted to talk about their conversation at Luigi’s but he didn’t think it was a good idea. After considering it extensively he decided that he should say something. “Sorry about the way I acted at Luigi’s a couple weeks ago. I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that you were only trying to help.”

“Really Ray, it’s fine. I get it.” 

“It’s just that.... it’s just tough when you’ve got this thing and you don’t really want to think about it and you know you can’t tell anyone about it and then some posh tart comes up to you and she knows everything. And there really isn’t much that scares me but that... Well to be honest it scared the shite out of me.” He laughed but he wasn’t sure why. 

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry too. I should have thought about that before I tried to talk to you.”

“No you were right though. One day I was going to have to face up to it and I couldn’t have done it on my own. I’m still not sure I should be talking to you but you’re my best option.”

“I’ll choose to take that as a compliment. Whatever you want to say I promise not to judge you.”

“And you promise not to do your psychologist voice?”

“Well I’ll certainly try.”

“Alright then. But whatever I say stays between us.” Alex nodded. “Simon Neary. He was a murdering bastard but when you sent me to talk to him... I really wish you hadn’t made me do that. I’d managed to successfully avoid thinking about it for years but when I put my hand on his leg it forced the whole thing back into the front of my head. Since then I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. Then I read that letter. How did you know?”

“I didn’t. I supposed you could say it was more of an educated guess. I wish I could tell you that it’s not as bad as you think and that the world is nice and accepting but there’s no point in saying something that’s not true. I understand why you didn’t want to talk about it. Most people are awful and they will hate anything that’s different to what they’re used to. But not everyone is like that. I wish I could tell you it gets better but it doesn’t really. Not for a long time.”

“Why do you always do that?”

“Do what?”

“Talk about the future like you know what’s gonna happen. It’s weird.”


End file.
